If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Is your marriage on the rocks? Are you worried that your relationship may not last much longer? Have you been thinking about ending the marriage yourself or are you worried that your partner is going to end it sometime soon?

If so, my heart goes out to you. We’ve all been in these kinds of situations at some point in our lives and they are never easy. In fact, relationships are often times our greatest source of happiness and can be our greatest source of despair.

Therefore, for a limited time I’ve decided to offer a special one-on-one “Bring Sexy Back to Your Marriage” Coaching Session.

During this session we’ll work together to…

=> Create a crystal clear vision for the kind of happy marriage you’d like to have

=> Uncover hidden challenges that may be sabotaging your relationship success

=> You’ll leave this session renewed, reenergized and inspired to turn your marriage into the relationship of your dreams (or know if it’s time to get out)

To claim your 30 minute “Bring Sexy Back to Your Marriage” Coaching Session, simply click here (or click on Contact above), fill out the contact form with the answers to the following questions:

1. How long have you been in this relationship?
2. On a scale of zero to 10 how important is it for you to save this relationship?
3. What are the three biggest challenges you are facing in your relationship?

Be sure to include your name, email address and best phone number when you request your  session so that we can get in touch with you to schedule your session.

Reconnect with Your Partner and Fix Marriage Intimacy Issues

When we hear the word “marriage,” we typically assume a close, intimate relationship. We envision a couple who finishes each other’s sentences, knows how the other likes their eggs cooked, and anticipates the other’s needs. This may be true in the beginning of the marriage, but too often, marriages lose this closeness over time. The couple becomes disconnected, personal details are forgotten, and the intimacy wanes.

But the fact is that a marriage needs intimacy in order to thrive. Intimacy is the substance which “glues” two people together and enables the couple to enjoy each other all the more.

What is Intimacy?

By definition, intimacy means a close, personal relationship or knowledge of someone or something. Marriage intimacy goes beyond knowing just your partner’s preferences and dislikes; it’s more than a familiarity with his routine and habits. When two people are able to share their innermost thoughts, feelings, beliefs and values—the most essential parts of themselves—without any kind of inhibition, then true intimacy is achieved.

Learning to Create Marriage Intimacy

Creating intimacy in your marriage is a skill that everyone should learn. It is essential in forging the connection between two people that is the cornerstone of a strong relationship. Here is a list of key components to creating that deep connection. Consider it a marriage guide to intimacy:

Attention—creating intimacy involves consistent attention, not only for one another, but for the relationship itself.
Respect—without respect for each other and the relationship,intimacy is impossible.
Communication—regular, healthy verbal communication is always an important factor in establishing openness, familiarity, and trust.
Trust—trusting your partner, and creating an environment where your partner can trust you, allows both of you to safely express your feelings.
Caring—showing your partner tenderness lets him know how important he is to you.
Honesty—saying and doing what is truthful and honest goes without saying in any relationship.
Acceptance—accepting each other’s personality quirks, bothersome habits, and even meddling relatives, will foster understanding between the two of you.

All of these are hallmarks of a deep, intimate bond. But partners in any good marriage will also take the time to listen, live in the present and avoid past issues, and encourage each other’s personal growth. After all, marriage partners should complement each other, not overshadow or stifle one another.

Creating intimacy means sharing the best, and the worst, of you with your partner in the best possible way.

Speaking his language can lead to greater marriage intimacy.

Last night was weekly date night for me and my husband. We hadn’t made any special plans, so we grabbed some take out and headed to a beautiful park near our home.

We intended to walk around the park and watch the sunset, but shortly after we arrived, a chilly wind came up, and we were forced back to the car to stay warm.

We watched the sunset from the car, and started to talk about a book I had checked out of the library called Hot Monogamy, by Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.

Earlier, we had taken a quiz in the book to get a sense of our individual relationship styles and discovered that, although we were very similar in most areas, we scored on opposite ends of the spectrum in a couple other areas.It was surprising to me because these two areas were where I thought we were most compatible.

So, we decided to reread each question and share our answers. Boy, did we learn a thing or two!

One of the sections where our scores we very different was Passion. And as we reread the questions, I asked my husband why he rated himself so low. After all, I saw him as “passionate” and thought we were “spiritually connected.”

He vehemently disagreed. After some discussion, it turns out that he and I had very different definitions of “affectionate,” “passionate,” “spiritually connected,” and “surrendering to passion”—phrases used in the questions.

Since I tend to be literal, I interpreted the words at face value. I took  the words “surrender to passion” to mean allowing myself to feel the strong emotions I have for my husband, not hold anything back.

He, however, attached mental images that evoked a strong negative reaction. He envisioned something like a romance novel cover—think Fabio, bare-chested and puffed up with an over-inflated sense of his potency on the female population. And “surrendering” to my husband means giving up, being beaten, submitting.

Needless to say, his translation was very different to mine. As a matter of fact, we had similar discrepancies in more than half of the questions. In the end, we discovered that we were, in fact, very similar in these areas once we allowed for the “language barrier.”

So what’s the lesson here?

First off, you should have a candid discussion with your partner about what “romance,” “passion,” etc, means to him. His definition may be very different to yours.

Next, use his definition to look back over the last few weeks for instances where he was being romantic, according to his definition. You may find that he’s actually more romantic than you thought. And be on the look out for similar gestures from now on.

Also, try to create a new language using terms with which you’re both comfortable. This way, there will be no misinterpretations. You’ll know for certain when he makes a romantic gesture and thank him for it. And your appreciation will encourage him to keep the romance coming.

Fix marriage issues before they cause lasting damage.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I had one of those rafter-shaking shouting matches that ended with both of us retreating to opposite corners licking our wounds in embarrassment and shock.  We barely said anything to each other for days because we were confused and ashamed. When we finally began speaking again, we both expressed how surprised we were at how the argument escalated so quickly and at the behavior we both displayed.

It has long baffled me how easily we can yell ugly words at a person we love so dearly. But why THIS person, our spouse or partner? Why not others? It’s not as if we don’t get angry at other people, we just don’t resort to that ugliness.

For instance, how many of us have been thoroughly ticked off at our bosses for one reason or another and wanted so badly to go into his office and scream at him that he’s an idiot. Or our child stains a brand new outfit after being told not to wear it out to play, and we want to yell at her for not listening to us.

But something holds us back in these relationships. Something prevents us from blasting our boss or our children with our unchained wrath. What is it?

It’s pretty simple, really. It’s CONSEQUENCES.

You know that if you told your boss what you really thought of him, you would probably lose your job. If you screamed and yelled at your child every time she did something that frustrated you, you would cause her irreparable emotional pain. We hold back  our true feelings so that we don’t cause, or suffer, irreparable damage.

BUT…if you yell at your spouse, what is going to happen? From past fights, you’re pretty certain that he won’t leave you, he’s a big boy and won’t get his feelings hurt, and he may not even yell back. So there isn’t anything to stop you from blasting him with both barrels of your anger.

Well, there should be!

You’re wrong if you think that your bad temper doesn’t have an affect on his emotions. If he was the one yelling at you, would you feel hurt, less confident, and at least a little bit unloved? Trust me, he is feeling the same way when you yell at him. He is experiencing deep emotional pain and will feel like he has failed you. This will cause him to withdraw in uncertainty. If you continue to resort to yelling to express your disappointment, discontent, or irritation, he may withdraw completely from the relationship, and leaving you can become a real possibility.

So, the next time you’re arguing with your partner and start feeling those tell-tale signs of building anger, immediately think of the pain he will feel at your hurtful words and the lasting effect they will have on him. He already knows that you’re upset and angry, so spiteful words aren’t necessary to make your point. Instead, think about how much he means to you and temper your words with love.

“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you’re a man, ’cause I’m a woman.”

Remember that perfume commercial in the seventies—Enjoli, I think it was—showing a beautiful, confident woman  coming home from her corporate job to cook dinner and romance her husband? It made us think we could have it all and do it all.

But can we? Have we got to a place where we excel at our careers, our relationships, and everything else in between? Or are we still falling short in one area or another?

Women are great entrepreneurs; we’re fabulous visionaries and can multitask like none other. But we often have to tap into our masculine qualities to earn notice and respect in our jobs.

Since “channeling the guy in us” helps us get so much done at work and even earns us accolades, we tend to stay in this mode when we get home so that we get everything done there as well. It worked great at our job, so it should work even better at home, right?

WRONG!

Our husbands pick up on this masculine energy. And, needless to say, they’re not turned on by it. They respect it and admire it, but they don’t want to snuggle with it. And if you’re honest with yourselves, ladies, you’ve noticed that when you take on that get-it-done attitude in your relationships, it just doesn’t seem to work. You and your hubby don’t see eye-to-eye, the passion fizzles, and pretty soon you’re just room mates. This leaves us feeling frustrated and unconnected.

So what’s a girl to do?

Switch off the masculine energy, or at least turn it way down, and switch on your feminine energy when you get home. Don’t focus on all the chores waiting for you and how quickly you can get them done when you get there. Instead, think about how you’re going to flirt with your husband while you cook dinner and do a load of laundry. Find ways to play together while you get the housework done.

Now who said chores weren’t sexy?

Responsibility is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship.

This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.

For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets.

Since blaming one’s partner for one’s own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

You know those times when you’ve had a heated argument with your partner and long afterward, you are still feeling angry and resentful? You know that if you could only apologize or touch them tenderly, things could move on, but you just can’t let go of your anger!

Rationally, you know you have a choice about how you react to what your partner does…

…but why is it that you cannot control your emotions? Like clockwork, the very next time your partner repeats the offending behavior, you are in an argument in a matter of seconds.

Once the fight ensues, you don’t feel capable of choosing to stop and end the argument with an apology or an act of tenderness. It’s as if your emotions have high-jacked your will to choose. So you spend hours feeling furious instead of building a connection with the one you love.

How often does this occur in your relationships? Too many times to count?

Well, it’s time to start reconnecting. Here’s how:

First, acknowledge that you are stuck in negative thinking patterns and are reacting negatively as a result. Decide how you would prefer to react instead of the anger and resentment.

Then, learn to sense the feelings of anger or resentment building in your body. When they occur, consciously make a decision to not be angry or resentful, but to be more positive instead.

Part of the stress in life is that feelings of anger and resentment get in the way of the desire to be present with the ones we love and to create joy and fullness in our relationships.

Even in the best of marriages, there will be rough patches that sometimes seem insurmountable. But, learning to appreciate and feel grateful for your husband can help mend the fences and may even begin to ignite the sparks of passion again.

When you’re resentful, angry, and hurt, you focus on what your husband isn’t doing for you. You pay more attention to his minor faults and transgressions. In fact, you seem to be hyper-sensitive to every instance he fails to fill your needs.

But what if, instead, you focused on what other needs he does fulfill? Maybe, despite the current frostiness of the relationship, he still calls every day on his way home from work to ask if there is anything you need from the grocery store. Or he fixed the malfunctioning garage door opener without you having to remind him. Or he got snacks for the soccer team and took your son to practice so you could get in a much-needed workout.

Be grateful for his generosity, good parenting, helpfulness, thoughtfulness, etc. And look for every opportunity to be thankful for his presence in your life.

You’ll be surprised to discover that once you tap into your gratitude, you’ll begin to see your husband in a new light—the same light you saw him in at the beginning of your relationship. The light that illuminated the strengths in his character, not his weaknesses.

Those minor transgressions and faults will, once again, not be worth your attention and energy. And you’ll focus on all the good qualities that drew you to him in the first place. Soon, you may find that you found that lovin’ feeling again.

So make gratitude your attitude in your marriage.

I think it comes naturally to a mom to temper her words and actions when speaking to her children. She knows that a brief moment of irritation communicated in some harsh words and dramatic gestures can seem threatening to a child, causing the child to feel scared and unloved. So with a soft voice and a kind word she gently corrects her child’s behavior. She knows the “mom voice” will get the desired result without inflicting hurt.

But how many of us use the same caution in our words and actions when communicating with our husbands? Do you lovingly tell him he left his wet towel on the bedroom floor and gently ask him to pick it up? Or do you berate him with a lecture on how he’s an adult and should know how to put the towel in the laundry basket without being told and how you’re not his mother and shouldn’t have to constantly tell him to pick up after himself and you have enough to do besides cleaning up after him and on and on.

Imagine speaking to your child in this manner. How would your child react? Your husband is probably experiencing some of the same feelings your child would.

“But that’s different, my husband’s an adult,” you might say.

Yes, he’s an adult. And he’s also a person with faults, vulnerabilities, and deep feelings. And he’s a person that you love.

Try asking your husband to pick up after himself instead of shaming him into doing it. Use a voice that conveys the message, “I love you and would love for you to pick up your towel.” Don’t use the “mom voice,” because you’re not striving to be his mother and he doesn’t want to be married to his mother. Instead, think “girlfriend voice.” He wants to please you, so let him know that picking up after himself would make you happy.

And don’t forget to praise him when he does pick up the towel!

We all seem to want more romance in our lives. We want long romantic vacations, candlelit dinners, rose petals, and wine. These are the ultimate romantic fantasies, and we know they are rare, because, face it, they take a lot of planning.

But when we make big plans, we usually build up our expectations right along with them. And when we have high expectations, we are easily disappointed.

Fortunately, romance doesn’t need an event planner. Some of the most romantic memories I have are moments that just happened, were spur of the moment, spontaneous.

For instance, my husband frequently stops to pick up flowers for me on his way home from work. No special occasion, he just does it when he gets the urge, and because he loves me. It never ceases to surprise me and make me melt.

Once while we were dating, I was dropping him at his place after dinner. He had just given me a kiss and hug goodnight when a favorite song of his came on the radio. He continued to hold me and softly sing the song in my ear. Who knew Stone Temple Pilots could be so romantic?

We have also danced in a parking lot to a sexy song on the radio, taken late-night walks around our neighborhood hand-in-hand, played a few risque board games just for fun.

These times are never planned. We know that romance comes from within us, not from a contrived setting. When we feel romantic, we act on it. We don’t plan something for days or weeks away.

So the next time you’re with your special someone, don’t try to light the fires of romance. Just let the sparks fly.