You know those times when you’ve had a heated argument with your partner and long afterward, you are still feeling angry and resentful? You know that if you could only apologize or touch them tenderly, things could move on, but you just can’t let go of your anger!

Rationally, you know you have a choice about how you react to what your partner does…

…but why is it that you cannot control your emotions? Like clockwork, the very next time your partner repeats the offending behavior, you are in an argument in a matter of seconds.

Once the fight ensues, you don’t feel capable of choosing to stop and end the argument with an apology or an act of tenderness. It’s as if your emotions have high-jacked your will to choose. So you spend hours feeling furious instead of building a connection with the one you love.

How often does this occur in your relationships? Too many times to count?

Well, it’s time to start reconnecting. Here’s how:

First, acknowledge that you are stuck in negative thinking patterns and are reacting negatively as a result. Decide how you would prefer to react instead of the anger and resentment.

Then, learn to sense the feelings of anger or resentment building in your body. When they occur, consciously make a decision to not be angry or resentful, but to be more positive instead.

Part of the stress in life is that feelings of anger and resentment get in the way of the desire to be present with the ones we love and to create joy and fullness in our relationships.

Even in the best of marriages, there will be rough patches that sometimes seem insurmountable. But, learning to appreciate and feel grateful for your husband can help mend the fences and may even begin to ignite the sparks of passion again.

When you’re resentful, angry, and hurt, you focus on what your husband isn’t doing for you. You pay more attention to his minor faults and transgressions. In fact, you seem to be hyper-sensitive to every instance he fails to fill your needs.

But what if, instead, you focused on what other needs he does fulfill? Maybe, despite the current frostiness of the relationship, he still calls every day on his way home from work to ask if there is anything you need from the grocery store. Or he fixed the malfunctioning garage door opener without you having to remind him. Or he got snacks for the soccer team and took your son to practice so you could get in a much-needed workout.

Be grateful for his generosity, good parenting, helpfulness, thoughtfulness, etc. And look for every opportunity to be thankful for his presence in your life.

You’ll be surprised to discover that once you tap into your gratitude, you’ll begin to see your husband in a new light—the same light you saw him in at the beginning of your relationship. The light that illuminated the strengths in his character, not his weaknesses.

Those minor transgressions and faults will, once again, not be worth your attention and energy. And you’ll focus on all the good qualities that drew you to him in the first place. Soon, you may find that you found that lovin’ feeling again.

So make gratitude your attitude in your marriage.

I think it comes naturally to a mom to temper her words and actions when speaking to her children. She knows that a brief moment of irritation communicated in some harsh words and dramatic gestures can seem threatening to a child, causing the child to feel scared and unloved. So with a soft voice and a kind word she gently corrects her child’s behavior. She knows the “mom voice” will get the desired result without inflicting hurt.

But how many of us use the same caution in our words and actions when communicating with our husbands? Do you lovingly tell him he left his wet towel on the bedroom floor and gently ask him to pick it up? Or do you berate him with a lecture on how he’s an adult and should know how to put the towel in the laundry basket without being told and how you’re not his mother and shouldn’t have to constantly tell him to pick up after himself and you have enough to do besides cleaning up after him and on and on.

Imagine speaking to your child in this manner. How would your child react? Your husband is probably experiencing some of the same feelings your child would.

“But that’s different, my husband’s an adult,” you might say.

Yes, he’s an adult. And he’s also a person with faults, vulnerabilities, and deep feelings. And he’s a person that you love.

Try asking your husband to pick up after himself instead of shaming him into doing it. Use a voice that conveys the message, “I love you and would love for you to pick up your towel.” Don’t use the “mom voice,” because you’re not striving to be his mother and he doesn’t want to be married to his mother. Instead, think “girlfriend voice.” He wants to please you, so let him know that picking up after himself would make you happy.

And don’t forget to praise him when he does pick up the towel!

We all seem to want more romance in our lives. We want long romantic vacations, candlelit dinners, rose petals, and wine. These are the ultimate romantic fantasies, and we know they are rare, because, face it, they take a lot of planning.

But when we make big plans, we usually build up our expectations right along with them. And when we have high expectations, we are easily disappointed.

Fortunately, romance doesn’t need an event planner. Some of the most romantic memories I have are moments that just happened, were spur of the moment, spontaneous.

For instance, my husband frequently stops to pick up flowers for me on his way home from work. No special occasion, he just does it when he gets the urge, and because he loves me. It never ceases to surprise me and make me melt.

Once while we were dating, I was dropping him at his place after dinner. He had just given me a kiss and hug goodnight when a favorite song of his came on the radio. He continued to hold me and softly sing the song in my ear. Who knew Stone Temple Pilots could be so romantic?

We have also danced in a parking lot to a sexy song on the radio, taken late-night walks around our neighborhood hand-in-hand, played a few risque board games just for fun.

These times are never planned. We know that romance comes from within us, not from a contrived setting. When we feel romantic, we act on it. We don’t plan something for days or weeks away.

So the next time you’re with your special someone, don’t try to light the fires of romance. Just let the sparks fly.