Speaking his language can lead to greater marriage intimacy.

Last night was weekly date night for me and my husband. We hadn’t made any special plans, so we grabbed some take out and headed to a beautiful park near our home.

We intended to walk around the park and watch the sunset, but shortly after we arrived, a chilly wind came up, and we were forced back to the car to stay warm.

We watched the sunset from the car, and started to talk about a book I had checked out of the library called Hot Monogamy, by Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.

Earlier, we had taken a quiz in the book to get a sense of our individual relationship styles and discovered that, although we were very similar in most areas, we scored on opposite ends of the spectrum in a couple other areas.It was surprising to me because these two areas were where I thought we were most compatible.

So, we decided to reread each question and share our answers. Boy, did we learn a thing or two!

One of the sections where our scores we very different was Passion. And as we reread the questions, I asked my husband why he rated himself so low. After all, I saw him as “passionate” and thought we were “spiritually connected.”

He vehemently disagreed. After some discussion, it turns out that he and I had very different definitions of “affectionate,” “passionate,” “spiritually connected,” and “surrendering to passion”—phrases used in the questions.

Since I tend to be literal, I interpreted the words at face value. I took  the words “surrender to passion” to mean allowing myself to feel the strong emotions I have for my husband, not hold anything back.

He, however, attached mental images that evoked a strong negative reaction. He envisioned something like a romance novel cover—think Fabio, bare-chested and puffed up with an over-inflated sense of his potency on the female population. And “surrendering” to my husband means giving up, being beaten, submitting.

Needless to say, his translation was very different to mine. As a matter of fact, we had similar discrepancies in more than half of the questions. In the end, we discovered that we were, in fact, very similar in these areas once we allowed for the “language barrier.”

So what’s the lesson here?

First off, you should have a candid discussion with your partner about what “romance,” “passion,” etc, means to him. His definition may be very different to yours.

Next, use his definition to look back over the last few weeks for instances where he was being romantic, according to his definition. You may find that he’s actually more romantic than you thought. And be on the look out for similar gestures from now on.

Also, try to create a new language using terms with which you’re both comfortable. This way, there will be no misinterpretations. You’ll know for certain when he makes a romantic gesture and thank him for it. And your appreciation will encourage him to keep the romance coming.

Fix marriage issues before they cause lasting damage.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I had one of those rafter-shaking shouting matches that ended with both of us retreating to opposite corners licking our wounds in embarrassment and shock.  We barely said anything to each other for days because we were confused and ashamed. When we finally began speaking again, we both expressed how surprised we were at how the argument escalated so quickly and at the behavior we both displayed.

It has long baffled me how easily we can yell ugly words at a person we love so dearly. But why THIS person, our spouse or partner? Why not others? It’s not as if we don’t get angry at other people, we just don’t resort to that ugliness.

For instance, how many of us have been thoroughly ticked off at our bosses for one reason or another and wanted so badly to go into his office and scream at him that he’s an idiot. Or our child stains a brand new outfit after being told not to wear it out to play, and we want to yell at her for not listening to us.

But something holds us back in these relationships. Something prevents us from blasting our boss or our children with our unchained wrath. What is it?

It’s pretty simple, really. It’s CONSEQUENCES.

You know that if you told your boss what you really thought of him, you would probably lose your job. If you screamed and yelled at your child every time she did something that frustrated you, you would cause her irreparable emotional pain. We hold back  our true feelings so that we don’t cause, or suffer, irreparable damage.

BUT…if you yell at your spouse, what is going to happen? From past fights, you’re pretty certain that he won’t leave you, he’s a big boy and won’t get his feelings hurt, and he may not even yell back. So there isn’t anything to stop you from blasting him with both barrels of your anger.

Well, there should be!

You’re wrong if you think that your bad temper doesn’t have an affect on his emotions. If he was the one yelling at you, would you feel hurt, less confident, and at least a little bit unloved? Trust me, he is feeling the same way when you yell at him. He is experiencing deep emotional pain and will feel like he has failed you. This will cause him to withdraw in uncertainty. If you continue to resort to yelling to express your disappointment, discontent, or irritation, he may withdraw completely from the relationship, and leaving you can become a real possibility.

So, the next time you’re arguing with your partner and start feeling those tell-tale signs of building anger, immediately think of the pain he will feel at your hurtful words and the lasting effect they will have on him. He already knows that you’re upset and angry, so spiteful words aren’t necessary to make your point. Instead, think about how much he means to you and temper your words with love.

“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you’re a man, ’cause I’m a woman.”

Remember that perfume commercial in the seventies—Enjoli, I think it was—showing a beautiful, confident woman  coming home from her corporate job to cook dinner and romance her husband? It made us think we could have it all and do it all.

But can we? Have we got to a place where we excel at our careers, our relationships, and everything else in between? Or are we still falling short in one area or another?

Women are great entrepreneurs; we’re fabulous visionaries and can multitask like none other. But we often have to tap into our masculine qualities to earn notice and respect in our jobs.

Since “channeling the guy in us” helps us get so much done at work and even earns us accolades, we tend to stay in this mode when we get home so that we get everything done there as well. It worked great at our job, so it should work even better at home, right?

WRONG!

Our husbands pick up on this masculine energy. And, needless to say, they’re not turned on by it. They respect it and admire it, but they don’t want to snuggle with it. And if you’re honest with yourselves, ladies, you’ve noticed that when you take on that get-it-done attitude in your relationships, it just doesn’t seem to work. You and your hubby don’t see eye-to-eye, the passion fizzles, and pretty soon you’re just room mates. This leaves us feeling frustrated and unconnected.

So what’s a girl to do?

Switch off the masculine energy, or at least turn it way down, and switch on your feminine energy when you get home. Don’t focus on all the chores waiting for you and how quickly you can get them done when you get there. Instead, think about how you’re going to flirt with your husband while you cook dinner and do a load of laundry. Find ways to play together while you get the housework done.

Now who said chores weren’t sexy?

Responsibility is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship.

This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.

For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets.

Since blaming one’s partner for one’s own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.