Truth or Consequences in Your Marriage

Fix marriage issues before they cause lasting damage.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I had one of those rafter-shaking shouting matches that ended with both of us retreating to opposite corners licking our wounds in embarrassment and shock.  We barely said anything to each other for days because we were confused and ashamed. When we finally began speaking again, we both expressed how surprised we were at how the argument escalated so quickly and at the behavior we both displayed.

It has long baffled me how easily we can yell ugly words at a person we love so dearly. But why THIS person, our spouse or partner? Why not others? It’s not as if we don’t get angry at other people, we just don’t resort to that ugliness.

For instance, how many of us have been thoroughly ticked off at our bosses for one reason or another and wanted so badly to go into his office and scream at him that he’s an idiot. Or our child stains a brand new outfit after being told not to wear it out to play, and we want to yell at her for not listening to us.

But something holds us back in these relationships. Something prevents us from blasting our boss or our children with our unchained wrath. What is it?

It’s pretty simple, really. It’s CONSEQUENCES.

You know that if you told your boss what you really thought of him, you would probably lose your job. If you screamed and yelled at your child every time she did something that frustrated you, you would cause her irreparable emotional pain. We hold back  our true feelings so that we don’t cause, or suffer, irreparable damage.

BUT…if you yell at your spouse, what is going to happen? From past fights, you’re pretty certain that he won’t leave you, he’s a big boy and won’t get his feelings hurt, and he may not even yell back. So there isn’t anything to stop you from blasting him with both barrels of your anger.

Well, there should be!

You’re wrong if you think that your bad temper doesn’t have an affect on his emotions. If he was the one yelling at you, would you feel hurt, less confident, and at least a little bit unloved? Trust me, he is feeling the same way when you yell at him. He is experiencing deep emotional pain and will feel like he has failed you. This will cause him to withdraw in uncertainty. If you continue to resort to yelling to express your disappointment, discontent, or irritation, he may withdraw completely from the relationship, and leaving you can become a real possibility.

So, the next time you’re arguing with your partner and start feeling those tell-tale signs of building anger, immediately think of the pain he will feel at your hurtful words and the lasting effect they will have on him. He already knows that you’re upset and angry, so spiteful words aren’t necessary to make your point. Instead, think about how much he means to you and temper your words with love.

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Tagged with: anger • fix marriage • relationship help • relationships

Filed under: Relationship Strategies

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